Mothering differently

March 25, 2014

How many 'real' conversations did I have with my mother?

I'm chewing on celery with pb and raisins....ants on a log.  As I put away the pb I look at the photos on the fridge.  My aunt and mother, (sisters) stare at me. They look so alike.  My aunt will be 85 this year.  My mother, now gone for 5 years.  She was about 80 when she died.  I was about 54. I'm guessing; close enough.  (I eschew numbers at ever turn and at all costs).  Yet I always want to quantify.  It hits me.  If I lived at home for 18 years and was the youngest of 3 children then how many REAL conversations did I have with my mother?  How much time did she even have for me? How many times did my mother kiss me goodnight?  Goodnight kisses ended when I was probably 8. That'd be 2,830....if I got one every night.   But conversations?  Maybe 5.  Maybe 10.  Maybe a dozen.  My mom wasn't a deep person. She didn't ask questions.  Her life was to be lived as a picture.  You live the image and you have attained the image.  Suddenly I think of how little I understood my mother.  I barely think about her now. I don't remember being mothered by her. Though perhaps her version of mothering me was to get me to act and dress as she thought I should....like her.   I do remember fighting her at every turn.  I didn't make it easy for her to mother me....but I also knew that her 'mothering' was limited and I was fighting for her to show up in a way that perhaps just wasn't possible.

My relationship with my children is so entirely different than mine was with my mother.
And for that I am so grateful.