Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Photos on the fridge

When one project winds down a funny feeling arises.  Pretty simply: Anxiety. What's next?  I avoid.  I think about meditating in hopes to focus and tackle my new open time. But I don't meditate.  Prioritize then.  Make lists.  Or...click email again.  Check FB again.  Freecycle more plastic shit.  Everything that permanently leaves the house makes me feel lighter. So far with all that has gone out the door never have I thought about the THINGS later and wish I still had them.  Bye bye.

"If it's not beautiful or useful get rid of it".  (Martha). That's the extreme end of the purge.
"Have everything in your visual field be something that pleases you".  That's the dream.

So I'm a box-method purger.  If I can't get it out the door, then I put it in a box destined for the basement.  Once it's been there a few months or years...when I come across it again, with full knowledge that I haven't missed it and I can't even remember what's in it...then I off load it.

Today I'm thinking about clearing off the fridge.  Not a big task.  But the visual chaos needs some calming.   When I write something like this previous sentence....then I really know I have to get a job/life.  My life is reduced to clearing off the photos on the fridge!




Mothering differently

March 25, 2014

How many 'real' conversations did I have with my mother?

I'm chewing on celery with pb and raisins....ants on a log.  As I put away the pb I look at the photos on the fridge.  My aunt and mother, (sisters) stare at me. They look so alike.  My aunt will be 85 this year.  My mother, now gone for 5 years.  She was about 80 when she died.  I was about 54. I'm guessing; close enough.  (I eschew numbers at ever turn and at all costs).  Yet I always want to quantify.  It hits me.  If I lived at home for 18 years and was the youngest of 3 children then how many REAL conversations did I have with my mother?  How much time did she even have for me? How many times did my mother kiss me goodnight?  Goodnight kisses ended when I was probably 8. That'd be 2,830....if I got one every night.   But conversations?  Maybe 5.  Maybe 10.  Maybe a dozen.  My mom wasn't a deep person. She didn't ask questions.  Her life was to be lived as a picture.  You live the image and you have attained the image.  Suddenly I think of how little I understood my mother.  I barely think about her now. I don't remember being mothered by her. Though perhaps her version of mothering me was to get me to act and dress as she thought I should....like her.   I do remember fighting her at every turn.  I didn't make it easy for her to mother me....but I also knew that her 'mothering' was limited and I was fighting for her to show up in a way that perhaps just wasn't possible.

My relationship with my children is so entirely different than mine was with my mother.
And for that I am so grateful.




Saturday, March 8, 2014

TO DO list: 2/8/14
Hair cut...finally.
Van inspection....  No surprise.
                                               
Chicken soup on.  Pretty much best smell other than cookies or garlic.
                                                                           
Compost...tromp thru snow.
                                                                                                                       
Check on Chickens.
Figure out how to attach a photo to blog.

Another day filled with nothing, yet got a fair amount done.

Today: 2/16/14
Laundry
Short x-country ski
Read newspaper
Relished being home.

CHICKENS:
Shoveled out the poor chickens, fresh water, new pine shavings.
I'm a composting kind of coop-keeper.  Just pile the shavings onto the poop until spring. Keeps 'em nice and warm.

Shoveled out the front of the garages. Been away for 5 days and 14 inches of snow.  The plow gets up the hill but can't seem to drag the snow away from the garage doors.  Life is exercise.

BLOG:
reviewed old entries. Seem incredibly boring to me.  I doubt I'll ever show anyone this blog.











Living in a mechanical world.

For the past week the temperature has hovered at night at a chilling 4 degrees or lower and my first floor heat was just not making it.  Mornings inside were 64 - 65- 66 degrees! Sure once the sun hit the south side of the house the temperature could rise to 70 but with the gray skies of winter something was not right.   My super amazing insulated house has saved me from freezing a number of times....but ultimately because my heating system has a fatal flaw...this heat shut out has happened before....once in February and now in January.  Ah New England in winter! But the full story can be told at another time.  Suffice it to say my heating system acts possessed. Kicks off at random times with valves corroding from within which employs my plumber to replace everything with brass. But we are learning that there are different qualities of brass.  But I digress.   So my mechanical world...What else? The electricity to the chicken coop died.  In the nearly zero temperatures I tromped into the night to hit the reset.  I played with the circuit breakers in the basement. Wasn't til the next day that my fingers were able to actually push the reset fully to reengage the electricity; the water heater and the light came back on to keep the 3 hens comfy.  Other misfortune hits.  My fancy baffled window blinds (Hunter-Douglas) are slowly all crapping out...now 5 busted shades...which I depend on to keep the warmth in at night.  As my house ages (22 years old?) I see, things once was pristine, degrade in front of me. The white walls have NEVER been painted.  Kitchen cabinet screws loosen.   Knobs break off the stove.  Windows warp.  I have a fairly high tolerance for breakage and fixing...but have hit a low point. Grrrrrr.  A call to Jason my heating guy and he's been here since 11am.  It's now 3:30!  Ah the mechanical world.

The upside of the mechanical world that I find appealing is the gathering and navigating new information.  I love fixing things. I ordered the 'tape' to restring the blinds.  NO WONDER they broke. The tape seems to be nothing more than fancy dental floss.  After a few hundred lifts and lowers, it frays and breaks.  I removed one of the smaller blinds to a table in the back room.  By midday I don't have the patience to watch the YouTube to learn how to fix it.  So there it will lay.  Most likely I'll enlist someone to help. Maybe my BF.  But that's another story too.

All my posts are too long.
Short today...maybe.

TOPIC IDEAS:
-Becoming Gogo (my mother)
-Back to gray hair
-Skiing
-Food=Love
-Getting rid of plastic
-Getting rid of junk in general
-My new boots!


Ok. Boots win.  Bought low cowgal boots. Ariat brand.  Ohhhh so so nice.  Now at the cobbler.  Couldn't get the right foot in...unless it was already in a ski boot from the morning and was being skinny squished.  Tried all times of day. Forget it.  High arch and higher instep.  So sad. Could have returned em.  But decided to make a go of the cobbler's stretch.  Can't wait to pick them up on Tuesday.  Sad thing is that all the 'cookies' on my computer are popping up BOOT ads on the right side and I WANT THEM NOW>

How's that for a short, albeit pretty useless and boring post.