QUESTION
Why call my blog "FactsFeelingsConsequences"?
ANSWER:
Because "Warm Chai" wasn't available.
BUT
Why? Facts/Feelings/Consequences (aka FFC) anyway?
I perseverate on this concept! Because so many people DON'T know it or how to use it.
This is Assertiveness Training 101.
Let's break it down
STEP 1A.
Whose problem is it? Yours or his? This can be tricky. IF your partner picks his nose in the privacy of your house....it may just be his problem. BUT if he picks in public or if his picking totally makes you nauseous then you probably can say it has become your problem.
If it's your problem...then you get to practice Assertiveness... FFC.
If the problem is his....then move along honey and let him pick away.
It all boils down to this.
FACTS~FEELINGS~CONSEQUENCES
There are irrefutable information nuggets that becomes the tools for communication.
- Need to talk with your children: Use FFC.
- Talk with coworker: FFC.
- Talk with your partner/wife/husband/lover: FFC.
I have noticed that when people come to me with a complaint about someone else, they often describe their difficult situation with amazing precision.
STEP ONE:
THE FACTS are right there. So let's cherry pick 'em.
1. -"...my girlfriend didn't remember my birthday"
2. -"...my daughter left the sink full of dishes"
3. - "...my co-worker's breath is terrible"
Simple. "Just the facts ma'am" says Joe Friday of Dragnet fame.
STEP TWO:
The FEELINGS...They are usually right up front too...on the surface.
1. -"I'm disappointed"
2. -"I'm angry"
3. -"I'm offended"
STEP THREE:
The CONSEQUENCES:
This is slightly tricky...Ask yourself..."What do you DO after the FACTS are followed by your FEELINGS????"
1. -Consequently, "I pull away..."
2. -Consequently, "I build up resentment and yell at you as soon as you enter the house"
3. -Consequently, "I don't want to talk with you...I actually leave the room when you enter".
Match up the #1, #2 and #3 and you have a perfect assertive statement which can begin a communication revelation/revolution.
FOR EXAMPLE:
Birthday forgotten:
"You forgot my birthday and I'm disappointed. When I'm disappointed I pull away."
Sink full of dishes:
"You left the sink full of dishes yesterday and I am angry. I find I build up resentment about this and as soon as you enter the house I end up yelling at you."
Bad Breath co-worker:
"I need to tell you that I've noticed your breath is really strong at times. This is hard for me to say because I find it offensively strong. Sadly when you come around I find that I avoid you."
WOW those are pretty on point....yet possibly really tough to say. Truth here. I did do the Bad Breath Co-worker assertive statement a long time ago. I carpooled to work with a lovely woman. We were both therapist at an outpatient mental health facility. Her breath was very strong and unpleasant. I prefaced my comment with "This is really hard to tell you...." I was very nervous. I told her....and she was so grateful! My only mistake was that after about a month she came to me and asked "How has my breath been?". I had neglected to tell her that she had remedied the problem and all was fine....she was still worried. It's so important to give people the positive feedback if they have worked to do things differently.
Communicating on this level with the people we love and care about has immeasurable value. Try it. I promise the results can be profound.
Back to problem of the boyfriend who picks his nose.
If you decide it's his problem....then there is nothing for you to do. If you decide it's your problem then you can go to therapy and discuss it! Ha. OR you can talk with him and see if there is some middle ground.
It might sound like this.
"John, I've noticed that you absentmindedly pick your nose when we are out in public. (FACT) I am slightly embarrassed to be with you at those moments (FEELINGS) and find myself distancing myself from you. I love you and don't want this distance between us. (CONSEQUENCES) Is this something you are aware of?"
Ok...not bad. He can come back with "YES" he knows he picks. And thoroughly enjoys it thank you very much. And he may say that it's your problem. Then you get to decide if you can overlook this. Or if not, try again. Fact~Feelings~Consequences. The Consequences may be more intense than you (or he) realizes. You may not want to spend time with someone who can't curb this. Seems a bit petty...but at least opening the conversation will help you to know if this person is someone you can have this sort of honest and necessary communication with. Good Luck!
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