My 20 year old daughter thinks I'm amazing.  I think that's weird.  I never thought my mother was amazing.  To be honest, if I had to choose my mother as a friend perhaps we would go on occasional walks together and probably gossip about our golf and tennis friends....of which I have neither.   But this entry isn't about my mother. (I'll save that for another time).  It's about my children and me.

"Mom, you should do a blog". (uck....I think...Blog and Brag seem so synonymous.) "Dad and Aaron (my son) have one".  "You are amazing and should have one".  "You do everything that bloggers love: Craft, raise chickens, cook, make mittens out of sweaters...." she continues a litany and my head is shaking from the inside out.  What the hell is she talking about?!  Sure I cook. That's easy. I like to cook and I have to eat.   For the most part I prefer my healthy cooking to restaurant food. So I cook.  As for crafty? I'm a descendent of a depression era family so saving, scrimping and crafting mittens out of old shrunken sweaters just seems big-time right!  Though sadly my last project remains attached the sewing machine in a near permanent manner.  The fabric was dragged into the feed dog (love that word!) and a pin is wrapped around the bobbin case.  It's ugly and I can't see how to get it out without destructive force. Is this blog worthy? Nah.  But little does she know I've already started a blog.  WarmChai.  Nothing else.  A name.  I think I even wrote a first entry but can't find it.  Never posted it.  Eh. 

Yet, I'm intrigued.  I'm as insecure as the rest of most humanity. Or at least the humanity I hang with.  I spend a lot of time wondering why there is so much anxiety today.  Panic attacks.  Pills and huge variety of treatments.  I have a masters degree in expressive therapy (dance concentration) and this gives me no leg up on understanding why everyone has somatic troubles (stomach, head, neck) and anxiety and depression and sometimes rage.  I watch and listen to people.  A lot.  I'm intensely critical and mostly work very hard to not be...at least out loud.  My boyfriend takes the brunt of my criticism and accepts me.  I have most definitely crossed the line with him and he has pulled me back to reality.  Yet thankfully I get to see what it means to truly accept someone else with all their quirks and differences.  (He accepts me more than I accept him). My bf is a great guy.  Everyone loves him...as the joke goes....except me.  But I am learning to love him....and that is huge.  To let someone in, for me, is to be vulnerable. And when a lifetime of being strong has been my MO....(or the pretense of strong)....then being vulnerable can be terrifying!  But I digress again.  This entry is about my children and me.

So I will write a blog entry. One a week was my daughter's suggestion.  And here it is: #1.  And all I can think about is writing #2!  Psyched. Is it a brag or a blog?  Doesn't matter.  It's an excuse to put into words the unspoken of my day.  To highlight what really happens in a human's life.  I'm a very energetic person who does a thousand things a day, as most of us do. And at the end of the day I feel I have done nothing.

So today:

Up at 7am via alarm and do my pseudo yoga routine: Shavasana (corpse pose ha!) in bed.  I think of it as yoga in reverse.  I start warm and relaxed.  I love envisioning every joint getting greased up for the day. I imagine that I can draw circles with my toes against the sheets.  As if my heel and every toe can leave a mark. I must be sure to feel each toe touching the top and bottom sheet.  Moving very slowly, the circles get smoother and my ankle becomes more mobile. Today impatience and boredom creep in and I only do one foot.  Next: Imagine mobilizing each spinal vertebrae with minimum effort, starting with the hips I work upwards.  I pay special attention to my lower back.  I have a torn disk between L4 and L5...but no one really knows this. Or have forgotten. If I had to be honest with myself I think I function more like a 35 year old.  I'm 58 and proud.  And I get up.  I don't finish the luxurious stretching that my bed-yoga usually includes.  Jenna my youngest, or is she my middle*? daughter needs a ride to the 8am train.  She has had increasing anxiety lately.  Her semester in Paris is a month away.  Weighing her heart down is the pain of leaving her first real, and already long-distance boyfriend, for an even longer distance.  And transitions and travel are challenging.  Where most people find adventure exhilarating, she and her sister and I, find travel stressful.  I check in on her and ask if she would like breakfast.  "Yes".  The pumpkin cottage cheese pancakes that I froze last week.  Good choice.  Hi protein, hi fiber, beta-carotene and yum.  I pull together a fast breakfast.  And she enters the kitchen with a stern admonishment before I speak.  "Mom, before you say anything, I can't eat, I know what you're going to say, but don't say it."  Ok.  Later I google "Anxiety and inability to eat".  I am both validated yet see she is correct.  I cannot force her, though I also know the downward spiral that not eating can have on anxiety. She spun out yesterday prior to her Boston French Consulate visa appointment.  So I pack a travel lunch...for her train-subway-bus adventure. Boston to Philly.  Probably 8 hours.  And for a kid who gets motion sick:  I pray the bus doesn't smell of diesel.  I know motion sickness all too well.  And that smell will set you in motion...in the wrong direction. 

So my day begins:

-shovel out front of garage

-make Jenna food to go

-drop Jenna off at 7:50am 

-purchased heater for chicken waterer at 8am.

-2 cups of tea. Green with ginger. Throat Coat with honey.

-Toast with cottage cheese

-Blog writing til 11am

TO DO:

-Laundry

-defrost solid frozen waterer

-install new chicken waterer heater

-make Ali's bed for her return from school tonight.  (Next semester is a GAP semester.  Wahoo for more anxiety...hopefully hers, not mine.)

-Grocery shop for upcoming 4 day ski trip. Want to skip the enchiladas that I have made for the past 10 years!  Maybe chicken soup with matzoh balls....except what about the vegetarians?

-purchase extra long underwear and socks for the newbie skiers.  Jenna's boyfriend and my boyfriend!

-post this entry.

*Jenna is an identical twin.  "Who is older?" That question has always bugged me. From their birth I obfuscated, to such a degree, that I seriously can't answer it anymore.  If asked "who is older?", I would say...."Ali. She waited for her sister to get out safely before she came out".  So I believe Jenna came out first.  So if that makes her older, then she is the middle child. Aaron is 23.  Jenna 20 and Ali 20.  And the girls birth was via a C-Section so they were was sort of plucked out anyway.

Why call my BLOG: FactsFeelingsConsequences?

QUESTION

Why call my blog "FactsFeelingsConsequences"?

ANSWER:

Because "Warm Chai" wasn't available.

BUT 

Why? Facts/Feelings/Consequences (aka FFC) anyway?

I perseverate on this concept!  Because so many people DON'T know it or how to use it.

This is Assertiveness Training 101. 

Let's break it down

STEP 1:  You have a problem.  Pretend this is your 'problem': Your partner picks his nose and it really bothers you.

STEP 1A.
Whose problem is it?  Yours or his? This can be tricky.  IF your partner picks his nose in the privacy of your house....it may just be his problem.  BUT if he picks in public or if his picking totally makes you nauseous then you probably can say it has become your problem.

If it's your problem...then you get to practice Assertiveness... FFC.
If the problem is his....then move along honey and let him pick away.

It all boils down to this. 

FACTS~FEELINGS~CONSEQUENCES

 There are irrefutable information nuggets that becomes the tools for communication.  

• Need to talk with your children: Use FFC.  
• Talk with coworker:  FFC.   
• Talk with your partner/wife/husband/lover:  FFC.

I have noticed that when people come to me with a complaint about someone else, they often describe their difficult situation with amazing precision.

STEP ONE:
THE FACTS are right there.  So let's cherry pick 'em.

1. -"...my girlfriend didn't remember my birthday"
2. -"...my daughter left the sink full of dishes"
3. - "...my co-worker's breath is terrible"

Simple.  "Just the facts ma'am" says Joe Friday of Dragnet fame.


STEP TWO:
The FEELINGS...They are usually right up front too...on the surface.

1. -"I'm disappointed"
2. -"I'm angry"
3. -"I'm offended"

STEP THREE:
The CONSEQUENCES:
This is slightly tricky...Ask yourself..."What do you DO after the FACTS are followed by your FEELINGS????"
1. -Consequently, "I pull away..."
2. -Consequently, "I build up resentment and yell at you as soon as you enter the house"
3. -Consequently, "I don't want to talk with you...I actually leave the room when you enter".

Match up the #1, #2 and #3 and you have a perfect assertive statement which can begin a communication revelation/revolution.

FOR EXAMPLE:
Birthday forgotten:
"You forgot my birthday and I'm disappointed.  When I'm disappointed I pull away."

Sink full of dishes:
"You left the sink full of dishes yesterday and I am angry.  I find I build up resentment about this and as soon as you enter the house I end up yelling at you."

Bad Breath co-worker:
"I need to tell you that I've noticed your breath is really strong at times.  This is hard for me to say because I find it offensively strong.  Sadly when you come around I find that I avoid you."

WOW  those are pretty on point....yet possibly really tough to say.  Truth here.  I did do the Bad Breath Co-worker assertive statement a long time ago.  I carpooled to work with a lovely woman.  We were both therapist at an outpatient mental health facility. Her breath was very strong and unpleasant.   I prefaced my comment with "This is really hard to tell you...." I was very nervous.  I told her....and she was so grateful!  My only mistake was that after about a month she came to me and asked "How has my breath been?".  I had neglected to tell her that she had remedied the problem and all was fine....she was still worried.  It's so important to give people the positive feedback if they have worked to do things differently.

Communicating on this level with the people we love and care about has immeasurable value.  Try it. I promise the results can be profound.

Back to problem of the boyfriend who picks his nose.

If you decide it's his problem....then there is nothing for you to do. If you decide it's your problem then you can go to therapy and discuss it!  Ha.  OR you can talk with him and see if there is some middle ground.

It might sound like this.

"John, I've noticed that you absentmindedly pick your nose when we are out in public. (FACT) I am slightly embarrassed to be with you at those moments (FEELINGS) and find myself distancing myself from you.  I love you and don't want this distance between us. (CONSEQUENCES) Is this something you are aware of?"

Ok...not bad.  He can come back with "YES" he knows he picks.  And thoroughly enjoys it thank you very much.  And he may say that it's your problem.  Then you get to decide if you can overlook this.  Or if not, try again.  Fact~Feelings~Consequences.  The Consequences may be more intense than you (or he) realizes.  You may not want to spend time with someone who can't curb this.  Seems a bit petty...but at least opening the conversation will help you to know if this person is someone you can have this sort of honest and necessary communication with.  Good Luck!