Saturday, August 30, 2014

"I am here for you"
I know you are there for me"
"I know that you suffer"
"I suffer.  I try my best--Please help me"

Thich Nhat Hanh


I think yesterday was a shift for my relationship with Ron.  He accepts me in a way that no one other has.  He is here for me.  He will still irritate me by who he is....but I cannot overlook his acceptance for me and many others.  Everyone loves Ron.


Dinner with my sister and her husband.

Condense is my only recourse.

A wave of meaningless words push me into anger.
Blather and blab with no watching where the words land.

And there are no questions.
No curiosity.
Nothing exists except ones own blab.

Us at the the table nod.
Look at Tv or phones.
If the thought bubbles could speak there would be far flung entries into this one-sided lecture that never resembles a conversation.

Conversation? Nope. Not for a second.
A lecture.
A lousy lecture.
'Stupid people' says my building anger.

Yet she is my sister.  And I adamantly believe that there is someone IN there who can relate to me.
We had some shared experiences.
I refuse to give up.

I head into the night optimistic that I can make conversation that will have meaning.
Ron says forget it.
I say NO....But can't think of anything to talk about.

Should I quit?

And we sit in a mess with cell phone for light looking at page upon page of photos.
Sex museum
Penis bowl
Him on a phallus...be it a child's riding toy or a cannon.  giggle giggle.

I'm almost nauseous.
Let it go?
sad

Darling I am here for you.

Fuck I hate these people.  I am not them....  Yet she is the closest thing to my past and she is useless.  She cannot link me to myself or my past.

Let it go.





Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Poetic style perhaps can condense all the words, feelings and thoughts that course through.

Robin Williams kills himself.  This should not have to be.  We are smarter than that. Meds or help should exist.

I make a blueberry peach pie and lap up the warmth and sweet and tang off my finger swabbed across the plate.  Tongue lick too.  More later.

DOUGH
1/3 cup unsalted butter
1/3 cup coconut oil
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups sifted flour
5 T cold h2o

Cut butter and coconut together with the salt/flour.  Pea size. Add water.  Gather up into ball and refrigerate.

Roll.

2 pints blues
1 yogurt container of peaches defrosted from last years harvest

add 2T of cornstarch to a bit of the peach juice and then mix all together.  (I left some of the corn starch liquid out....shouldn't have.  Too juicy of a pie....but delish nevertheless.

Rain rain rain.  Green.
Full belly
Empty heart.
Thirst for something.

Thoughts ramble over the past few weeks. Seeing Aaron and his heartbreak.  His first big love and first big 'break'.  Yet I see how Aaron and Jenna and Ali can practice their emotional intelligence!  Especially with each other.  I'm impressed.  I joked as Aaron and Jenna talked in his room, he laying on his bed and she sitting vigil with him.  They talked about having feelings.  Being and feeling the 'fool' if necessary.  Moving through the feelings will lead you out.  I joked....feigned rising and leaving...."my work is done here...you two have what it takes"  Emotional intelligence!

Next Aaron goes to Argentina.  Jenna back to Brandeis.  Ali back to Connecticut College.  I finish up the land sale to the town and then the next project begins!  May go back to a career counselor.  So wonderful to have her hold the space for me to make these next steps.

Aunt Marilyn:  spent the day with her yesterday in RI.  She is fun and lively.  Great to talk with.  I often have an slightly empty feeling as I leave.  I notice that when I bring up the juicy emotional stuff....she moves on quickly.  It's ok.  She is old and of another generation.  She does what she knows.  Stays in her comfort zone. It's like being with my mother (gogo) but better.  Cuz she doesn't really push my buttons.  And then there is a sad feeling cuz perhaps I may even miss my mother, as limited as she was.